I thought I was good with change. I thought that it would be easy to let go of what was and step into the new thing. The only problem is that you go from the familiar into the unknown. It feels as though almost everything becomes a test and everything you thought you knew comes under review.
So…a little context. I have been a resident in Hastings for nearly two months, after living in Falmouth, Cornwall for nearly nine years. Granted, I lived in London until I moved to Cornwall and I am used to upheaval (more on that on other entries) however, Cornwall became the place that would always have a hold on my heart. It was in Cornwall that I went to university, it was there that the God called me back to know Him for my self, it was there that my relationship to my partner began to flourish from puppy love to the kind that has us together for over 10 years, we had our children there, we worked, lived, loved and had our own friends and community. We were the furthest away from our family, they were mainly in London and East Sussex and while I was there I ached to be closer to them. Now that we are all so much closer, now I ache to be in Cornwall. Typical.
There is no doubt that God brought us here, the speed in which were able sell our house, move up here and start a new life was remarkable. My partner needed a career change and he has a new direction now to travel in. He is so much happier now however…I was really happy in Cornwall. I was working, the kids were finally at the stage where I could start going out again and not feel guilty, I loved the community at my church and so when it was time to say goodbye, I struggled. I REALLY struggled to let go and I still am in that process.
Here I am now in a new place, in a new area, with new neighbours, schools, closer to family and finding my self a little raw and holding onto the promise God gave me at the beginning of this year.
Jeremiah 29: 13-14
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord…
I have to admit, I had dismissed this verse at the beginning and favoured what is said earlier about the plans that God has for me. It is still relevant and actually, from verse 10-14 I feel speaks to me as a whole, but it’s the line above that pierced me as we began to sell and move up here. To seek God above all else is wonderful and daunting prospect and again I have to be honest, I am not sure if I am doing it right. I read His word, pray and trying more and more just to wait and listen, but today I wept. The type that comes straight from the heart and you can’t quite get the words out in complete sentences. The question in my heart was “Where are you?”
But God is so gentle, he reminded me of my prayer journals that i have been keeping, I looked through them and I was reminded of how far He has brought me. I began to read how Jesus answered prayers, changed me or changed situations. I began to feel calmer as He reminded me that He is in fact very close even though, right now it doesn’t feel like it.
I am thankful that I can be at my worst, most broken and emotional before Him. I still don’t know what the future holds, and it makes it hard to watch my children and my partner settle into our new life so seamlessly while I seem to be playing catch up, but I think I am beginning to see what the verse is trying to say to me. To seek Him is to focus on Him and it gives me the right perspective- to trust him and watch God do what he does best, all the pieces will fall in to place and I will look back at this time and see what God was doing in me.
I am not sure at the moment what the purpose of this blog is yet. But the title, little steps of faith is me trying to trust in what God says and remember all that He has already done for me. To remember that joy is mine.
This is a journey and I am in a new chapter of mine. So I will lift my eyes and write this blog to open my heart and remember God is faithful.
I will write on many things, my faith, motherhood, trying to be a writer, citizen, being a partner to my soon to be husband and my experience as a black woman in England. I am sure that many of these things will intersect and this is a part of the new thing. So thank you if you are reading this and being a part of my little steps of faith.