As tears rolled down my face on Monday night, I had come to the end of myself. Homeschooling, the reality of isolation, tantrums from a 6 year old, my 8 year old acting like a surly teenager and a disagreement with my partner had left me feeling…empty. Empty and sad.
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, I knew there would be good days and bad days but on Monday there was only one word for that day: defeat.
On Tuesday morning, I started off in psalm 16. This has always been one of my go to psalms to remind me of God’s goodness but on that morning one line particular jumped out at me.
“…in your presence there is fullness of joy…”
With an aching heart I looked at it and wondered why it was this line in particular that had gotten my attention and then I realised something, I had been doing this whole thing on my own. That’s why I had felt that I had literally nothing more to give. I had been carrying the burden of making sure the kids were educated, keeping a structure and routine all on my shoulders. I had become to rigid and of course, I snapped.
As I re-read this line I began to smile. It was a promise. I needed to be refreshed but this was also true for all of my family.
I gave God thanks for my family, for our health and that he has provided for all our needs. I understood that I had placed a burden on myself that no-one had asked me to carry and I had lost my joy in the process. So, this Tuesday I declared that school was closed.
The boys looked at each other, unsure of what I was saying.
My youngest asked, “Shall we do some reading?”
I laughed and answered, “We need a break. You boys have been amazing these past weeks, but this week we are going to take things a little easier.”
Honestly, if you could see their little faces light up it was almost like I had declared it was Christmas day.
That’s when I knew that the promise was not just for me, it was for all of us.
This week has been a breath of fresh air. We have done an excessive amounts of Just Dance, baking and watching films.
I have been encouraged by the promise of God’s presence and even though things have not changed externally, we are still in lock down, there is still fear and pain and I am still praying like many others for the end of this virus, I can still choose joy.