When you feel invisible.

Invisibility is supposed to be a superpower. An ability that could be like camouflage or like the invisible man, it is a permanent state.

But when it is an emotion and a state of mind, it causes you to shrink as person. I had been feeling invisible as a mother and as a woman for a good portion of this year. I felt like a shadow, and the worst thing was, was the creeping jealousy of watching others doing the things I want to do or being the best version of themselves. Now you have to understand that I when I began to analyse why I was feeling so low and my emotions and I found jealousy I was shocked. I have never really been a jealous person, I was raised by mother who taught me to be grateful and celebrate other people’s successes.  but it was true because I found that certain relationships were strained because of this emotional response.

I took this to the Lord in prayer. I had to give over my emotions and declare that Jesus is Lord over them and speak the truth to my own heart. I remembered the story of Hagar and her son when she fled Sarah and the truth that Hagar calls God the one who-lives-and-sees her. At the moment when she was all alone and frightened she encountered the God who lives and sees her. I was so amazed and thankful for this truth that even when I feel invisible that God sees me. I poured out my emotions to him and asked God to fill me up with his love.

I also had to trust that God has only good gifts for me.

There are times, periods, even seasons when we don’t feel like our best selves. When we actually want to be invisible or we have been made to feel that way by others and circumstances. We are not to ignore this emotion, we are not to pretend it does not exist, we are meant to hand it over to the One who can see “my inmost being” (Psalm 139).

Jesus already knows what we are going through, what we are thinking and feeling and sometimes I find that daunting. But…when I open my heart to him and really tell him what’s going on, he always by his gracious spirit, lifts me up, that’s when I know, he is my true comfort. 

In this world we may be invisible, not everyone is destined for stardom, recognition or fame but then God has never been about that has he? He is the One who pursues us even when we spurn him. He is the one who blesses us even when we don’t acknowledge him. He is the one who saves us even though we don’t deserve it. Jesus sees us and we are precious to him.

I would like to leave with Psalm 139, to remind myself and possibly you that our father is not far away but he knows us intimately.

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
 They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
 I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
 Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.






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